Moreso personal notes from my writings on the idea here, this isn’t the first or likely last of hypothesizing. Definitely not the last. Just a collage of consciousness I guess. Word vomit. Whatever you wanna call it. Or, I guess I want to since it is my shit after all. Whatever. It’s just ideas in the state of being ideas. Stream of consciousness there you go.
Instinctive drift is when an animal under the presupposition of domestication does something in tune with its innate imperatives, typically to our dismay. Similarly, people have a tendency to get stuck in a rut; they mean to do something different [or not, often people are content in their ruts even if dissatisfied, masochistically speaking], but make all the moves made previously to wind up in the same spot. Or they have a productive loop and upon disruption, the idea of its failure, fall into a reductive one. Neurotic Nihilism stems from a flow that seemed productive, but in practice resulted into total disarray. Recognizing the pitfalls underlying and obligations untended to under that model of thought, action and interpretation was not the ideal but an isolating, counterintuitive tendency.
In absurdist fashion, Neurotic Nihilism’s self-appointed point, is as a result; a recognition, negation, acceptance, and adaptation to any [cycle] I am in, should I find myself in, or have been in.
While I am the Neurotic Nihilist and case study of Neurotic Nihilism, it’s an impersonal observation in concept as well. Ideas outlined, enacted or characterized using the term are done so in primarily for my own understanding through such characterizations. Such philosophical, biopsychosocial data I have at grasp [as well as presently unknown, and unconsidered] is for personal introspection and external alliteration. Crab Culture or Ego Death as poignant examples.
Neurotic Nihilism is Mundane Extremes in action and afterthought.
***
Cycles exist, naturally or imposed in most areas of life. Ranging from that of abuse, insistences on not repeating past actions— habits that never seem to die, seasons, menstruation, visibility of the moon, relationships, elections, etc. Things happen in procession.
Neuroticism results from cycles as it pertains to reaction to conscious stagnation in most negatively viewed situations. Much of it is self-fulfilling prophecy; the expected happens as a result of doing everything expected and that would cause the expected to occur. On the flip of that coin is when the enriching cycle gets disrupted, it can become Neurotic if left willfully ignorant to the pitfall, or obsessing on it solipsistically. Times change. What worked once might not always. Assimilation is easy, though in its own right Neurotic. Adaptation isn’t easy or instantaneous. Both roads being the bottom line in any cyclical system, isn’t it pointless? Reductively and depressingly, yes.
***
Being an active, ongoing experiment of existential experience, the scope is (admittedly[?]) limited to the present moment and past— depressive, maniacal, happy or weak— as understanding and their catalyst roles in those actions and thoughts. There is no end in current sight, as I see no point in actually dying. Pointless as living is, there is a comedy in that there is no point in dying. That no point in dying is currently the irrelevant as the point is to not want to. What is so wrong in any given singular moment? A lot could be, emphasis on COULD be, but nonetheless I am alive. Still breathing on my own. Pointless as it is, I’d rather have fun in and with the Neuroticism rather than immobile.
***
I know my mind can flip on a dime without a moment of notice, but in that it’s interesting in of itself. Depressively grandiose and in that insignificant and vulnerable. Even shitty the combinations of experience is interesting.
***
Thus far, such is theory in spoon-by-spoon conception. Theory in theory for action for better theory inspiring more and better action.
I am, in all instances now, my own battery; and accordingly. I have to learn not to burn myself out; and not accidentally move that battery into a shared port. Though, in such an unlikely [and frankly unwanted] scenario, I think I have improved discernment over that unstable sort of attachment streak. What the correct balance constitutes, I am unsure overall.
Crab Culture, while I think a good analysis, is incredibly cynical in its asocial streak. Learned tendency it might be, it’s an illogical and counterintuitive detriment in its loop.
***
“…why had he always feared that mysterious entity of consciousness within others?” asked Ayn Rand in The Fountainhead. Broken Needle by Marilyn Manson is a song I feel that encapsulates this. It is both a mirror and projection. Saying it’s an innate fear of others’ brain-space would only be half true.
Journalistically I mine people. I want to understand them. In understanding them I understand myself better. With that, I get a mirror. The fear isn’t of the conscious entity, that’s actually the fascinating part; the fear is of connection to that unpredictable Dæmon.
I only understand Broken Needle in that [aside from never playing you again, that is clear] I dig into grooves with that journalistic impulse, or as it more often seems in that I get my grooves dug into more. Likely both.
I particularly understand putting people away. I can understand naturally growing separate, not psychic vampirism. That people feed off each others energy can be useful, but only optimal when not singular.
The reason I take an issue to connection is that in the understanding of the other person, there is a mirror that is found. Carl Jung referred to muses as conduits to our own unconscious rightly, we like what we see in that conduit so we want it to stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay stagnant.
Staying is stagnation.
Playing is only a game for so long. Getting attached to the conduit, is on me, or whoever does. While conduits can empathize or be mutual, it is still a mirror. If you stare at yourself in the mirror too long, the image distorts. Narcissus is only partial; disgust for the distortion is simultaneously at work. People feed off each other, as such influence occurs. Eventually, the reflection is not one that’s yours, or your ideal. So, you close the circuit. Break the mirror. It could be mutual, one-sided, bitter, whathaveyou— it’s Personal choice at the end of the day.
I like attachment. For that reason I hate it. Attachment is attachment. Like a limb, it’s a useful part of my person. My person. Me. Me, mirror. I don’t like losing things I’m attached to, though I accept that reality as stupid as it can be. Death I’m okay with; maybe because the finality of it. If they’re dead, I no longer have to worry. When they’re alive, I think of them for better or worse. Depending on the moment.
Maybe it’s not a total mirror, as it’s attachment to people filling in the gaps. Puzzle-pieces-mirror sort of thing maybe. Though, in that it’s not so vain as I’ve subtly made it out to seem; it’s attachment to the person; and their qualities because they do differ. The fear is the mysterious entity will no longer find intrigue in yours, no longer be amused or threatened by it; all the while still finding the conduit amusing or threatening and as a result, intriguing. An outlet to plug into. I don’t get attached to people I don’t think it would have any ‘meaning’ or longevity to. Accordingly, I am my own cynical creation. Having standards is human, what is not is isolation imposed without outlet. Such is self-made and perpetuated however; I choose not to interact with people out of fear of having my grooves filled then harshly ripped out of. Grooves previously unknown usually. Though, I know now I wouldn’t let such occur again, at least in theory. Applicably, I’d rather not test such. I want to test from what I have now, while I can. Myself, while not separated from people solipsistically as a disembodied intuition of it all…
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