Gets Its Due

 

Perception—

Endless detection

What’s a little manipulation?

Boredom,

it’s too much

Fun?

that sucks. 

Pass the time until oblivion,

knowing the sun will still come 

Even when done;

Bending blues and shifting hues

Dark always gets its due

Too much and it’s a shift of the axis

The world keeps spinning but it’s never the same

Trapped in an interstellar hurricane 

Smoke in the rain mixing with brains 

Inhale as if it’s the last day

End of Poem. 

A reading of the poem and Etymological overview of the word Perception. 

missing

Saudade, nothing lasts;

The past—

Pitiful and listless, 

Pieces of Gaia’s trash. 

I thank Chaos,

for everything it has wrought. 

Fast-stop-motion-slowed-down;

head in a dance

Draining, constraining—

Eyes wi[l]de[/y] stuttered,

Insignificant other.

Tree of decay and glee

III. Adaptation & Annihilation— Neurotic Nihilism

 “Imminent Annihilation sounds so dope…”

— Grimes, ‘My Name Is Dark’

Mortality Salience in conjunction with its prescription via Terror Management Theory suggests a drift of sorts to Apocalyptic Answers. This meaning, in the face of understanding death as a natural inheritance for everything as it would seem, natural disasters interpreted to the psyche’s understanding and the creation of poetic, fiery end-times scenarios as a result. Beautiful depictions of finality most, if any will ever truly live to bear witness. 

That grains of truth as a result of observation in the natural world follow consistently throughout tale and scientific hypothesis would be and is clear. Famines, extreme weather, geologic and cosmological cataclysms… whether some deity exists in conjunction is irrelevant; the fact there will be some fiery end then oblivion is. That remains throughout— imposed ideals about continued existence are frankly too inconsistent with living nuances to be reliable. What is certain is the finality. What is certain is an end worth witnessing in its brutal beauty. It sounds so dope.  

Annihilation is comforting in its simplicity; like comedy as horror, making the idea of its imminency comforting in its nothing… Neurotically. 

Not caring about living or dying for that matter it’s, “like, ‘whatever, fuck it’ […] how that gets fun,” and gets, “so dark it turns in on itself…” the lyricist behind the lyrics opening remarked in an interview. Annihilation as a wish is a projection, and inheritance. Serene in its calamity, “it’s not a life sentence, but a death-dream…”

***

Fear and Fetish, wherein they meet and where they divorce is up to complete circumstantial speculation. The Law of the Forbidden is an aspect of the Law of Attraction; meaning something stimulates both alarm and arousal, the latter caused by the former.

“…I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.”

— Revelation 3:3 KJV 

Fetish and Fear are intertwined. Freudian as it may seem, that annihilation is a fetish— it’s a thrilling thought of course it is. Annihilation is a kinky ideation in: 

1. The instant ego gratification in death as symbolic fulfillment. 

2. Annihilation in most if not every case would not be instantaneous; the dread becomes dreamy. 

Instant ego gratification in death from annihilation caused by factors that, ‘if I go, at least so does everyone else!’ or, personal biology preventing suicide. Or some number of nuances varying. 

The core of this however is not dissimilar from the jouir of say, some imagined orgasm. A monumental release, not necessarily sexual but at least implicitly. The end is always cinematic in characterization. Whereas the pleasure from the dread of waiting is in the more realistic approach, but neurotically flawed even in that— “the end of the world doesn’t come suddenly or without warning. To imagine it does is to be fooled by popular misconception.” 

Almost reaching the top of the mountain, but never quite peaking. 

“One must imagine Sisyphus happy…” in that, absurdly and sadomasochistically. Pleasure from pain; power from pain. That is the idea. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger? Maybe. Scar tissue covers wounds, thicker or thinner than previous skin. Wounds differ and The Body Keeps The Score. “Whatever doesn’t kill you is gonna leave a scar…”

What is power? What is power from pain? What is power if derived from pain? How much and for how long can that truly sustain? What’s even the point? 

Might being momentary, strength as ability to adapt to the situation: whatever doesn’t kill leaves a scar. Until death, until decay, until humans no longer exist as even a thought in the universe. What is power in a vast void?

On a Pale Blue Dot in the midst of an uninhabitable vacuum, cosmic indifference is notable. That nothing can be so arousing, is something interesting. But, it’s only an efficient source of stimulation for so long. 

Pure dread or sensual suggestion, neurosis ensues. 

***

The world is always ending. It’s always beginning too. Most focus on the former. Anything, trivial or of magnitude means the end of the world. It never does, it keeps spinning. Only when engulfed by our dying star in a millennia, will it officially cease to. 

***

Gift auf Deutsch ist poison in English. Alcohol is known as poison. Life is neither a blessing or innate course of suffering: it just is.

Adaptation or annihilation? 

That is the real question in this. 

Adrenaline is short lived. Pain only produces so much power, if it can even be called that. Perpetual pain for power, like in the fictional example Darth Sion is at the expense of any possibly derived pleasure— pain for power in order to inflict more pain perpetuating more power. Eventually, neurotically, there’s nothing left. Attempting to escape nothing, reducing one to insignificance. 

Ironic. 

Like Sion; like Wallace Baker. 

Unlike Jay & Silent Bob. 

Sober solely for the short span of the second installment of Clerks, the famous slacker stoner duo. Even meeting God herself, the conclusion is simple: go to the QuickStop and hang out. JRR Tolkien stating this ideal simply in that, “if more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world…” and echoed by Jack Sparrow in this sentiment: “not all treasure is silver and gold.”

What value there is, merely aesthetic. Power without pleasure is as worthless as it should seem. Psychodrama based on shininess can only go so far. 

Simplicity isn’t stagnation, but small-talk is. 

What’s a good Nietzschean without Neurotic Nihilism?

One spoon at a fucking time; having fun in not giving a fuck collapsing into itself. 

Shiftless: A Shift in Slacker Celluloid

A new interpretation of the Slacker genre in active production. 

I just found this actively being released self-made series on YouTube from a person under the name Rex Lengyel called Shiftless. 

This project is emblematic of how the concept of the slacker is seemingly here to stay, as if it wasn’t always there. The exploration of Mundane Extremes on camera is nothing new per se; the wit evolves to match the gonzo and the gonzo to the wit. 

Starting naturally with episode one, “Pilot” we are introduced to a sort of evolved Clerks setting. Meeting the two main characters, Paul and Steve who are in essence an amalgamation of every notable slacker duo coming before them— Dante and Randal, Jay & Silent Bob, Bill and Ted, the list goes on— working listlessly going about recently acquired jobs at a GameStop; until a customer, Death himself, coming for a refund… while he gets it in the end, it is only to the expense of the two’s employment status. 

Episode two, “Grow Up, Paul and Steve” initially begins like that of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. In Office-style dialogue and direct reference to A Clockwork Orange; Steve and Paul do as the title suggests in order to avoid being kicked out of their friend Marco’s basement where they live as a result of the duo causing perceived issues in Marco’s sex life. 

Retorted derogatorily in the second episode, but being reimagined in positive light here, Shiftless is “a fugue state at best” as any proper slacker should be. What happens in episode 3? Time will tell to see. 

II.2.1 Slacker Salience— Neurotic Nihilism

Nothing, no one, that’s what it’s all about. Main characters might exist, but no more than gonzo day-to -day Reality Bites satirized. Art imitates life; it is an aesthetic manipulation for insight. 

What grandstanding point is there in a slacker film like Empire Records? Clerks? 

Aside from a nice iteration of life, it’s Disenchanted from the insanity (save a few scenes) of a regular comedy. Where it ends is where it begins. 

Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, while not a slacker film, encapsulates this perfectly on a grandiosely existential magnitude. The search for meaning where there is none: it just is, in a vast void. Starting where it ends. Filling in the cosmic unease, is nothing for nothing on a Pale Blue Dot. At least in Empire Records he gets the girl, they save the store; but ultimately wind up right where they began originally… save Warren, who got a job. In Clerks, it’s literally just a “lifelong wait for a hospital stay” being portrayed in the third (and likely final) installment’s take on mortality. Dante (characterized in regards to the famous Dante’s Inferno) and Randal having their respective “widow maker” heart attacks; Randal surviving while Dante walks into the light. 

Seinfeld is the magnum opus of the nihilistic telescreen. Self-aware as ever in its own meta-narrative, the show has a similar prerogative to Neurotic Nihilism; a point in that even such is pointless and a show about nothing. Obviously it’s an influence. Ending not where the cast began, but rather a solid prison.

In that the slacker cinematic series is less a model to attain to, it’s been reached. What it is, is capturing those moments of mundane extremes in gonzo fashion and smart-ass wit. 

Liminal spaces in their used forms, would be the way to characterize such pieces of data. Transitory states: stepping stones. Clerks ideally isn’t an eternity. Absurdly this turns said comedies into horror films because they are ironically comedic. Creations confirming condition. Acceptance of assimilation, and Neuroticism in Mundane Extremes. 

Horror as a byproduct is comedy, often, because it shows the actual, ‘stupid’ reactions to insane and implausible scenarios. Scenes might just be superstitions on a green screen, but the ‘stupid’ reactions of characters we gratuitously watch die act no different in observation than we in real situations do. Splitting up, falling and being too winded to get up, yelling to a friend— basic instincts. Horror is a comedy because of the reality in the implausible; comedy is horror in the plausible. 

***

Irony: impermanent illusion

Ignorance as insight

Inviting intentional idiocy

Information is my IV

Stimulation,

Simulation,

Evaluation,

Revelation— reclamation and recycling. 

A nap is a better revolution. 

Running Man [2025] & Celebritarian Cycles

The Most Dangerous Game meets The Long Walk in Che Guerva fashion. Originally written by Stephen King and adapted in the 1980s— admittedly neither having seen or read either; nonetheless after flipping through the book at Barnes & Nobles briefly I felt the initial sentence to be a general description of the text, and the film’s revolutionary appeal. 

The 2025 adaptation is similar to another film released this year, One Battle After Another. Though less blatant as the DiCaprio film, the theme shows up main-frame nearly every scene. Ben Richard’s in Running Man is a father going to the absolute limit to aid his daughter. As case in point, Michael Cera’s character Elton Parakis has a pull down flag of Che (as well as an anarchy A, to name another). 

Conveniently called ‘the Network’ as the totalitarian regime in charge, there isn’t a leap in the 1960s revolutionary aesthetic as counter to the overt fascistic ones of the ruling corporation. Front and center, most notably the N in their logo is an obvious derivation from the swastika— like the four P’s put together for the Process Church of the Final Judgement’s icon; or Marilyn Manson’s chest tattoo. As a lesser nod, the symbol used in this society for dollar currency is akin to another symbol the National Socialists in 20th century Germany utilized: the Wolfsangel. Derived from the 13th rune in the runic alphabet of the Norse, it’s known as Eihwaz; and embodies mysteries associated with Yggdrasil, to put a long story short. 

Similarly to Stephen King’s other work (which also got a film adaptation this year), The Long Walk this tale is that of death as spectacle for the nation (United States, namely). While The Long Walk has no set limit and goes till the second to last person drops, Running Man is like The Purge for 30 days straight to those signed up. 

Unlike The Most Dangerous Game, the ending of the film is less of an open note; though a confirmation to one of the outcomes. In the end of Running Man, Ben chooses to slay his Zaharoff… while on live camera. Thus continuing the cycle. While the pendulum swings away from what Trump in 2016 called the ‘swamp’ he makes for a future— or even possibly of the moment martyr, as seen in recent months in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s demise. In rising up, he takes the place. “God conquered will become Satan/ Satan conquering will become God…” as Anatole France melancholically noted in the poetic work Revolt of the Angels. 

Remarked within the film, games being put on by the Network for pulling people’s pathos as being akin to the Circus Maximus, it strikes a chord when paired with the implications of Anatole France’s observation. 

Ancient history are the days of gladiatorial combat, at least for the most part. People have moved on, ‘fallen’ into more civilized manners. 

Evolving into spectacles of public execution: hangings, drowning the witch as well as the lovely gift to the world from the French known as the guillotine. Although the last of such in the Western world was just short of a century ago, as time and standards shift so does the way of more bloody entertainment. Take this film Running Man, which can be that fill for some. Wherein now much is better suited in psychodrama. Within the shockwaves in light of Charlie Kirk being publicly murdered, there’s an expressed need for the human animal to have more than mere cinema. 

What not, if just pictures fucking up our eyes?

I.1.5 Control of Khaos— Neurotic Nihilism

Part of the prerogative in Neurotic Nihilism’s broad thesis is the learning to be my own battery without burning myself out; and if I do, how to use even that as fuel. 

Turning the negative into a positive, as it’s being used, “every day, every minute, whether we realize it or not. It is much better for us to acknowledge its power and use it constructively than it is to permit it to tear down the physical bodies in which we live to create conditions in our lives that do not tend to bring […]” anything valuable to personal progress. Echoing Carl Jung when he said, “we cannot change anything unless we accept it,” so while I might, “hate my weaknesses; they made me who I am” as much as my strengths. 

Cynically, like Shubunka in the 1947 film The Gangster, “My sins? My sins are that I wasn’t tough enough. I wasn’t low or dirty enough. I should have trusted no one, never loved a girl. I should have smashed first. That’s the way the world is.” The way it is, is so seemingly pointless. Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus but completed by Ares. Wherein they are singularly superseded and met in Athena: beauty, brains and brawn. What is Might if not momentary? How long is a moment?

The answer, is in the gaps between. The void filled by ‘surrogate activities’ to avoid insignificance. 

***

Gaap (or in some instances Tap or Caap) is the 33rd spirit in highlighted in the Lesser Key of Solomon’s translation of the Goetia. Symbolizing consistently across all historical accounts an imperative on the incitement of hate and love. As Gaap is detailed in the Goetia, with an emphasis on the aforementioned, and a bestower of knowledge and ignorance— which are tied to love and hate albeit but neither are mutually exclusive to one or the other. 

That the name of Gaap is what it is, is unique in my mind. Gaap, like gap. Gap, like that of an abyss. Famous is the line about staring into the abyss…

No matter how one puts it, the universe as we think of it came from a gap. The Greeks viewed it as a cosmic sludge called Khaos. There is a fear of an empty void. The comedy is, the void, gap and abyss are all one and the same metaphor. All are tools for understanding under different lenses— the void for the pointless disparity and abyss to contemplate in order to fill in the gaps; or some combination thereof. 

***

One spoon at a time. 

That’s might. It’s not perpetual strength; which is meaningless without a mind to put it to use. Aleister Crowley referred to every man and woman as a Star; Stars burn out and die. Some collapse in spectacle into singularities. Black holes that sustain their momentum like Darth Nihilus by feeding off everything around them. Eventually releasing it all in violent gamma bursts. Burning out in the end. “The greater the star, the more violent its demise.” 

All in the void of space. 

Holding it together a balance of subatomic particles. Adding one electron to the atoms of the universe would instantly polarize everything to a negative charge— an imbalance— then rip the entire universe apart instantaneously. 

***

What is the balance for my battery? I don’t know, but Neurotically, 

“Today I will go once again

  Into life, into haggling, into market,

  And to lead the army of my songs

  To duel against the market tide.” 

as Velimir Khlebnikov poetically put it.

Pointless point[s]. 

Neurotically Nihilistic, can you hear the jouir in the music?

I.1.4 Saw, The Sith & Power Pitfalls— Neurotic Nihilism

“Live or Die” is what my shirt says. “The rules are simple,” though in that complicated as you “make your choice” in the matter. 

Saw is a Franchise I’ve considered quite a bit in the past, and very Darwinistically projecting in some areas. That however doesn’t discredit the general idea at face value… But, John Kramer’s enactment, is solipsistic in viewing himself as this ultimate arbiter for people’s will to live— take for instance in Saw VI the man who had his lungs crushed for the abhorrent sin of smoking; as if it’s the sole person with the horrific life negating vice— through his own form of dispatched, detached retributive punishment. 

In accordance with Terror Management Theory, the idea is a simple one: how much does one value their own life?

What’s a Good Nietzschean without Neurotic Nihilism?

What would a person do to survive, even if it meant losing a piece of themself that seems vital. As seen in the films, most people take the path of least resistance—assimilation, every conventional idea has already been preconceived and removed as a flaw in the game— and as a result of doing everything that was expected, wind up dead in scenes of gratuitous gore. Like a moth drawn to a flame, burning oneself out. It’s like the Sith do. 

The Dark Side of the Force in Star Wars has much in common with our power philosophy’s here on Earth. Existentially extreme individualism, amassing accumulated power and through said process, personal progress. 

Knights Of The Old Republic II is a game wherein it goes further into depth of the pitfalls of the Sith (as well as Jedi) than Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith presents in the climax of the Republic. KOTOR II’s story, in my opinion, gives cass by case example of what in the real world I see and have personally experienced in some regard to what I have heard called the ‘Ant Conundrum’. This idea is based mainly around the pitfalls in Ayn Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism. Personal appreciation for Rand and her ideas, as well as my own heavy disagreements with Objectivism on some issues currently irrelevant to this. 

Imprinted onto the three main Sith antagonists (and at times with one, seeming protagonist) of the story, flaws in the rash fundamentalist pitfalls in said misinterpretations of Egoism. It’s Neurotic. Darth Nihilus, Darth Sion and Darth Treya each emblematic to varying results of the extremes to which such ideas can be taken, and to what end? 

Darth Nihilus, the name being blatantly derived from our own word Nihilism and meaning the same thing in essence, is explained in the game as a literal “wound in the force” with the body of a man. Surviving by literally consuming the force of living things, even entire planets. He was a husk consuming but never satisfied. As justification, not unlike Emperor Palpatine’s concept of “unlimited power,” Nihilus gave his reason for doing so as to bring order to the galaxy, when he himself was a mere shell. “Just a man,” in the end. 

Darth Sion was the epitome of pain. If you think Darth Vader had it bad, this guy trumps him. Sion lived every second of existence in excruciating pain, which he himself tended to put himself through. And for what? To live up to a Master who he felt abandoned him? Darth Sion was fueled by his pain, it was the only thing keeping him together while also ripping his body apart every second. He had achieved immortality in this, but to what worthwhile degree? In the end, like Wallace Baker he welcomed death serenely. 

Darth Treya, the secret manipulator behind the entire plot. Your character in KOTOR II is essentially manipulated by her into doing her dirty work: killing her apprentices, Nihilus and Sion; cleaning up her loose ends. Treya goes beyond them in her Neuroticism however, her end goal is the complete severance of living beings from the force. She hates that it seems to have a direction of its own that she cannot control. She makes her own downfall in the end, like the others. 

Interestingly, she distinguishes her concept in that Darth Treya is more of an impersonal entity; “there must always be a Darth Treya.” And in that, while in the main Star Wars series most understand, there is no Darth Treya. Well, there is the Rule of Two. The Sith after time realized their strength was not in numbers, so they made it an ardent tradition that only two Sith existed at once. One Master, one apprentice. As follows, the apprentice would be trained to be stronger than its master for an ensuing culling ritual. Rinse and repeat. 

Sith are servant to self-centered suicide. They see their shit intentionally as, “the Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some would consider, unnatural.” It is an imbalance in the force. While some Sith deviated and were more lax in nature with brains and brute, much was simply barbaric. 

The Jedi (which I negated to mention, there is a fourth antagonist in the game, who is a Jedi), while having their faults— as an example where the Jedi negate say romantic attachment; Sith do so as well in most kill their loved ones, the Jedi restrict but the Sith wreck— their faults are more broadly collectivistic than I have ever been.

Their end, as seen in their utter blindness to what was actually going on around them and complete counterproductive pride, you can see where the Neurotic Nihilism of it is.

I.1.3 Notes About Failed Egoism— Neurotic Nihilism

Trevor Blake in his analysis of a recently published (by Underworld Amusements) edition of the personal detail of Wallace E. Baker’s decline characterized the man as a “failed egoist”. In that it is akin to my idea of Neurotic Nihilism. Baker was a young man in the early twentieth century with an intrigue into the existential. A writer interested in all the usual trappings; biology, philosophy, sociology— with an aversion to algebra. Much of his diary is not dissimilar from my own records. 

His personal details and similarities, make it hard to agree with the characterization of a failed egoist. Baker was undoubtedly, and as evident in his writings a sensitive soul; noting that for example in his use of vices where not as a general habit but what a Jewish Rabbi explained as being because they are “too raw for this world.” and in that get sucked into vices, “just to be able to handle regular life.” While most people get into habits out of genuine and sincere assimilation, just to have a good time; whereas for someone like Baker, it seems that rawness led to what Terror Management Theory would call (in so many other words) ego fulfillment. 

Baker tried to assimilate whereas while tougher, adaptation would have suited better. He did everything that could be done, to ensure he stayed doing the same things that caused his spiral. Circle back to what the Rabbi said and, “it’s a Great Big White World…” with Marilyn Manson creeping his claws in, as usual. 

***

Mechanical Animals is the second album released in the Tryptich and in that succession symbolizes rebirth. Songs like Great Big White World or New Model namely emblematic for the Neurotic Nihilism prospect as it currently gets considered. Not dissimilar to what Nikolas Schreck once stated— not being the first or last but who I heard it characterized in this manner from— noting we are essentially reborn all the time; from when we wake up to the body’s cellular system being completely changed after a 7 year period (and constantly). Great Big White World represents that raw, naive and blinding existence, what Baker writes of. New Model is the recognition of the superficialities of personal identity— value through vices…

“I’m the new, I’m the New New Model, I got nothing inside/ Better in the head and in bed at the office; I can suck it in and smile… I can choke and diet on coke/ I’m spun and I know that I’m stoned and rolling/ Lifelike and poseable; Hopeless and disposable.”

*** 

The word I keep searching for is Pragmatism. Prison is in the mind, imaginary lines in the sand, as Charlie Manson once explained. Wherein Baker’s issue lay was one all too common: the expectation that thought and small bits of doing would lead to instantaneous and grand results. Rarely, if ever are things so fairy tale. 

I’m trying to differentiate myself a lot and remove myself from Baker in this. But, then again the thesis of this all is “What’s a good Nietzschean without Neurotic Nihilism?” and with Nietzsche representing a major flavor and influence in Egoism, as well as what Baker strived for. 

Environment has rapidly changed since the early twentieth century. What is of value, is the consistent spirit of it all. Though it is complete cowardice and a failure in egoism in life; as Terror Management Theory could posit, that in not pleading for pity and committing his act as means of that ego fulfillment, what it seems is like me he just wanted to be fucking heard, understood and engaged with. His vice in that regard (whereas mine is the polar opposite) was a seeming hypersexuality, as it would be now called.  I think why I didn’t actually finish my reread is, aside it being a reread, it is an example of a mirror. A muse of sorts. 

Attempting to assimilate when adaptation, though more difficult, was his job was where Baker fucked himself over. In that, he is a failed egoist. There is as aforementioned, more nuance to be taken to it though. He was, in essence just trying to survive and couldn’t figure out how live up to his own standards. It is unfortunate, but the way it is. 

I.1.2 Neurotic Nihilism— Cycles, Cynicism & Fear

Moreso personal notes from my writings on the idea here, this isn’t the first or likely last of hypothesizing. Definitely not the last. Just a collage of consciousness I guess. Word vomit. Whatever you wanna call it. Or, I guess I want to since it is my shit after all. Whatever. It’s just ideas in the state of being ideas. Stream of consciousness there you go. 

Instinctive drift is when an animal under the presupposition of domestication does something in tune with its innate imperatives, typically to our dismay. Similarly, people have a tendency to get stuck in a rut; they mean to do something different [or not, often people are content in their ruts even if dissatisfied, masochistically speaking], but make all the moves made previously to wind up in the same spot. Or they have a productive loop and upon disruption, the idea of its failure, fall into a reductive one. Neurotic Nihilism stems from a flow that seemed productive, but in practice resulted into total disarray. Recognizing the pitfalls underlying and obligations untended to under that model of thought, action and interpretation was not the ideal but an isolating, counterintuitive tendency. 

In absurdist fashion, Neurotic Nihilism’s self-appointed point, is as a result; a recognition, negation, acceptance, and adaptation to any [cycle] I am in, should I find myself in, or have been in. 

While I am the Neurotic Nihilist and case study of Neurotic Nihilism, it’s an impersonal observation in concept as well. Ideas outlined, enacted or characterized using the term are done so in primarily for my own understanding through such characterizations. Such philosophical, biopsychosocial data I have at grasp [as well as presently unknown, and unconsidered] is for personal introspection and external alliteration. Crab Culture or Ego Death as poignant examples. 

Neurotic Nihilism is Mundane Extremes in action and afterthought. 

***

Cycles exist, naturally or imposed in most areas of life. Ranging from that of abuse, insistences on not repeating past actions— habits that never seem to die, seasons, menstruation, visibility of the moon, relationships, elections, etc. Things happen in procession. 

Neuroticism results from cycles as it pertains to reaction to conscious stagnation in most negatively viewed situations. Much of it is self-fulfilling prophecy; the expected happens as a result of doing everything expected and that would cause the expected to occur. On the flip of that coin is when the enriching cycle gets disrupted, it can become Neurotic if left willfully ignorant to the pitfall, or obsessing on it solipsistically. Times change. What worked once might not always. Assimilation is easy, though in its own right Neurotic. Adaptation isn’t easy or instantaneous. Both roads being the bottom line in any cyclical system, isn’t it pointless? Reductively and depressingly, yes. 

***

Being an active, ongoing experiment of existential experience, the scope is (admittedly[?]) limited to the present moment and past— depressive, maniacal, happy or weak— as understanding and their catalyst roles in those actions and thoughts. There is no end in current sight, as I see no point in actually dying. Pointless as living is, there is a comedy in that there is no point in dying. That no point in dying is currently the irrelevant as the point is to not want to. What is so wrong in any given singular moment? A lot could be, emphasis on COULD be, but nonetheless I am alive. Still breathing on my own. Pointless as it is, I’d rather have fun in and with the Neuroticism rather than immobile. 

***

I know my mind can flip on a dime without a moment of notice, but in that it’s interesting in of itself. Depressively grandiose and in that insignificant and vulnerable. Even shitty the combinations of experience is interesting. 

***

Thus far, such is theory in spoon-by-spoon conception. Theory in theory for action for better theory inspiring more and better action. 

I am, in all instances now, my own battery; and accordingly. I have to learn not to burn myself out; and not accidentally move that battery into a shared port. Though, in such an unlikely [and frankly unwanted] scenario, I think I have improved discernment over that unstable sort of attachment streak. What the correct balance constitutes, I am unsure overall. 

Crab Culture, while I think a good analysis, is incredibly cynical in its asocial streak. Learned tendency it might be, it’s an illogical and counterintuitive detriment in its loop. 

***

“…why had he always feared that mysterious entity of consciousness within others?” asked Ayn Rand in The Fountainhead. Broken Needle by Marilyn Manson is a song I feel that encapsulates this. It is both a mirror and projection. Saying it’s an innate fear of others’ brain-space would only be half true. 

Journalistically I mine people. I want to understand them. In understanding them I understand myself better. With that, I get a mirror. The fear isn’t of the conscious entity, that’s actually the fascinating part; the fear is of connection to that unpredictable Dæmon. 

I only understand Broken Needle in that [aside from never playing you again, that is clear] I dig into grooves with that journalistic impulse, or as it more often seems in that I get my grooves dug into more. Likely both. 

I particularly understand putting people away. I can understand naturally growing separate, not psychic vampirism. That people feed off each others energy can be useful, but only optimal when not singular. 

The reason I take an issue to connection is that in the understanding of the other person, there is a mirror that is found. Carl Jung referred to muses as conduits to our own unconscious rightly, we like what we see in that conduit so we want it to stay. 

Stay. 

Stay. 

Stay stagnant. 

Staying is stagnation. 

Playing is only a game for so long. Getting attached to the conduit, is on me, or whoever does. While conduits can empathize or be  mutual, it is still a mirror. If you stare at yourself in the mirror too long, the image distorts. Narcissus is only partial; disgust for the distortion is simultaneously at work. People feed off each other, as such influence occurs. Eventually, the reflection is not one that’s yours, or your ideal. So, you close the circuit. Break the mirror. It could be mutual, one-sided, bitter, whathaveyou— it’s Personal choice at the end of the day. 

I like attachment. For that reason I hate it. Attachment is attachment. Like a limb, it’s a useful part of my person. My person. Me. Me, mirror. I don’t like losing things I’m attached to, though I accept that reality as stupid as it can be. Death I’m okay with; maybe because the finality of it. If they’re dead, I no longer have to worry. When they’re alive, I think of them for better or worse. Depending on the moment. 

Maybe it’s not a total mirror, as it’s attachment to people filling in the gaps. Puzzle-pieces-mirror sort of thing maybe. Though, in that it’s not so vain as I’ve subtly made it out to seem; it’s attachment to the person; and their qualities because they do differ. The fear is the mysterious entity will no longer find intrigue in yours, no longer be amused or threatened by it; all the while still finding the conduit amusing or threatening and as a result, intriguing. An outlet to plug into. I don’t get attached to people I don’t think it would have any ‘meaning’ or longevity to. Accordingly, I am my own cynical creation. Having standards is human, what is not is isolation imposed without outlet. Such is self-made and perpetuated however; I choose not to interact with people out of fear of having my grooves filled then harshly ripped out of. Grooves previously unknown usually. Though, I know now I wouldn’t let such occur again, at least in theory. Applicably, I’d rather not test such. I want to test from what I have now, while I can. Myself, while not separated from people solipsistically as a disembodied intuition of it all…

II.2 Neurotic Nihilism: Predatory Valor

Like Anarchism, Neurotic Nihilism is more of a stepping stone. Unlike anarchism, it is not intended as the end-all, it is intended as the end to the end-all’s. Pointlessly pointless. How long the overall concept can be in enactment I am unsure, it is self-sustaining, as it is me, so it lasts as long as it does in that. Neurotic Nihilism is not the foundations. Foundations lead to fundamentalism, which is in itself Neurotic Nihilism at a Mundane Extreme. 

Encapsulated by terror management theory, it’s similar to the Predator characterized in the new Badlands installment in the franchise. Predator: Badlands is actually an excellent example of this in film. Deck, the Predator, in his quest for achieving his cloak and place in the clan (that doesn’t even want him in reality), was a narrow drive. There wasn’t anything to it aside a brute. The ideal in this is pure: kill or be killed, and seek so out. Fighting for the honor of not dying. The honor, in any end is in the dirt here. Characterized in the films, the Predator is not innately a mindless monster, it has intellect. It understands other creatures. 

Thia, an android in the film states to this matter in that, it is sensitivity which allows us to understand other creatures. Resultingly, this fundamentally impaired the idea of individual brute force over the alien environments, which nearly led to Deck’s death repeatedly. 

It’s Valhalla with self-fulfilling valor. 

A valor-less Valhalla, the deeds are done for the deaths. Getting embodied in the concept of Mortality Salience and explained through Terror Management Theory, the perception of death not as a finality but elevating of life in some way; the perceived reward is more than in practice. Memory fades and brains decay, all we do is best delay. 

Cosmic joy-buzzer it is. 

For more on Neurotic Nihilism, see:

I- Neurotic Nihilism (zine, first issue) 

II- What is Neurotic Nihilism? 

II. What is Neurotic Nihilism?

Neurotic Nihilism is a way to point out how pointless even pointlessness is; the differing thresholds to sanity as well as reactive tendencies as a result. The case study obviously being first and foremost myself. Those supposed pitfalls are my own in theory, historical and active practice. 

Neurotic Nihilism is my microcosm in the broader theme of Mundane Extremes. In the pointlessness of pointless, the whole point is made within that. Never is it a sole instance, and it’s not typically a tango, moreso mental massacre. As a determining momentary factor, in of itself Neurotic Nihilism is antithetical to itself given its prescribed goal is existential. 

The meaning comes from there being no innate meaning, why or how and dealing with that fact accordingly. 

Neurotic Nihilism is all the mishaps, misinterpretations, successes and daily doings against entropy. The model is admittedly malleable as such. Epitomizing a constant system of skepticism; and from there skepticism to that skepticism. Resultingly it does run into an all too common pitfall, all fluid thought eroding any possible plateau, leveling it into depths of reductive hypotheticals in record time. 

It seems, given my description, more grandiose than it is. It’s nothing. Nothing new, or out there. Maybe outtakes are, but it’s Mundane Extremes: my outtakes and reactions are what makes my experiment interesting.

Fellow Traveller is a phrase often used to denote a person who surfs ideas, trying to understand and connect them. Make it all make sense. In the negative, painful polar extreme of Neurotic Nihilism is this paired with the wired skepticism. If left unbalanced and unchecked it can devolve into a form of personal psychic vampirism.

The brain can only process and intake so much stimulation without outlet or a break; where it becomes personal vampirism— psychic auto-cannibalism— is it feeds on itself creating a reductive loop. It can be broken, hence the whole point of the pointlessness.

Neurotic Nihilism is the concept of perception becoming conception. Working with it rather than against its weight is the pointless point. Ideas are intaken, processed and applied for better or worse. It’s a a test. But like it says in Lolita, this isn’t a game. Vampirically however, this is only a game.

Long story short, Neurotic Nihilism is its own proponent and antidote.

The Individual, Lone Wolf, Outsider & Collective: A Conversation with Shane Bugbee

Originally from the Berdella-Bugbee Soliloquies 2023 zine

Claudia: Alright so, I had this idea after thinking about when we talked about the lone wolf a while back, I had released something to my blog on the topic and then kept adding onto it and you and I bounced some ideas around back and forth, and you also made an edit of Ayn Rand’s individual. So that’s what I want to have a conversation about here: the outsider, individual, lone wolf, and the collective. I think it is a conversation that doesn’t necessarily happen, most people will either fall into a category that they will radically apply to themselves as a part of a larger group they are loyal to, then just as such there are people who will stick to a weird uniform nonconformity (which in itself is contradictory) and try to be outside of society while simultaneously being in their own establishment. It’s like in 1984 where the book that Winston Smith gets after deciding to betray the Party and it describes that all the nations in the world are actually pretty similar, they have essentially the same social and cultural structure making any sort of resistance just as uniform. However I would say that there are many people who are  individuals, black sheep and lone wolves that legitimately do not have an allegiance to the collective; the degenerate artists. 

Shane:  the lone wolf, the black sheep - the scapegoat! They do in fact exist. Seems every family has one, and then there is the personal outsider, the person YOU feel should be outside, but they are standing right next to you. I think the outsider is a byproduct of our society whereas, the scapegoat or black sheep is a natural phenomenon… they exist and it seems, they might be the “alpha” or “leader” of that pack, so when the pack picks a scapegoat or black sheep they do so to challenge the leader, to push them toward a higher level or to test them and break them in order to push towards a higher level… the opposition to the leader getting cast as the scapegoat and pushed into greatness or loss is part of the evolutionary process. 

Claudia: I don’t necessarily see the outsider as too dissimilar from the scapegoat… Those who choose to get away from society could do it as a natural progression, nature vs. nurture. The song Rock N Roll Nigger by Patti Smith comes to mind with the lines “Baby was a black sheep…” and “Outside of society is where I want to be”. So I would say that black sheep are nurtured through nature and Outsiders are naturalized through nurture to go off of your idea of the two. Both cause uproar, and where there is scapegoating, outsiders I think are necessary to go that far. It’s like how the Red Scare evolved into the Satanic Panic which (in my opinion) really ended upon artists deciding to go out and be that Satanic image that was so horrifying; the Black Metal burning churches scene in Norway, Marilyn Manson tearing up Bibles and wiping his ass with the American flag in the US, they all made themselves into exactly what was feared and scapegoated.

Shane:  OOoooOoooo… LOVE the idea that the “aesthetic terrorism” art movement was a reflection of how THEY were seen VS what they were seeing. I’ve see artists as being prophetic, sewers of the truth, architects of the future. I know Dr.LaVey took the idea of a “sinner” and based his philosophy on how the religious see those who are not religious… so I think you have a solid point as the “aesthetic terrorism” art movement was highly influenced by Dr. LaVey, though we took his idea of Satanism and decided to play with it rather than follow it.

I see the outsider and the scapegoat as different because the outsider might decide to be outside but the scapegoat never chooses the title. The black sheep and the outsider could be seen as the same or similar… I see the black sheep coming first, the family makes the black sheep feel so different and odd so they naturally gravitate towards the outsider world… helping to prove nurture is so important for a full and healthy life.

Claudia: So, the Outsider is outside of society because they want to be as the quote says, and the black sheep is the scapegoat, that makes sense. People like Charles Manson come to mind as a scapegoated figure, they are the boogeyman who decided to be exactly what people called them (in interviews that is in the case of Charlie, though he is more chilled out in his interviews and conversations with Nikolas Schreck I have noticed)...

I would say there is overlap though as, if you create yourself to be an outsider you get treated as a scapegoat- devil made them do it sort of thing. It’s like how when people label themselves a certain way their actions are defined and explained as such, “Oh, well Oswald, he was a commie…”

Shane: Hmmmmm… interesting. First off, I hadn’t considered the black sheep and the scapegoat as the same thing. I mentioned the outsider is by choice, and I think that is only some of the time, the outsider by choice is usually someone who has privilege, the kind of privilege where they can leave a situation or are from a wealthy family, so they can always escape their choices… I think the margins are considered outsider. Perhaps those who CAN be saved from their want to be seen as outsiders are usually the culture vultures, the bath in the sad stories of the poor and forgotten to create a personality or present an understanding they really don’t have… outsider by choice is a fucking lie. We are outsiders because we don’t play well inside or aren’t even invited inside… we are the remnants of the animal in all their carnal, savage glory… so we are outsiders, like a dog chain’d to a society we never wanted.

The blacksheep seems to be a family distinction or a group distinction… a label for one who doesn’t fit within their family or culture… the blacksheep is usually the alpha driving uncomfortable change in their family, culture or groups they identify with. The blacksheep is courageous and wants more than survival. I’d consider the Satanist a black sheep - born, not made… a person of sensitivity, impulse and brutal truths that burn bridges.

The Scapegoat is a person accused by others. Most of the time, the scapegoat isn’t even a problem, they are used as a smokescreen by those who are calling out a supposed “Scapegoat” - every crime has a scapegoat, while most outsiders and/or black sheep are persecuted for who and what they are or whether they can conform to societal rules, isn’t considered. 

Claudia: What I mean is that the black sheep is the more likely to be made into scapegoat by being that pusher of uncomfortable alternatives and changes. 

The outsider as you describe it makes sense, it seems Darwinian in a sense of it being carnal, savage glory but due to the society surrounding it keeps it within. It’s like 1984 where when Winston tried to escape and tried to attack the party, in the end he still ended up Loving Big Brother. 

I definitely agree that the black sheep are satanic and are born not made, it’s a natural personality type. 

And should it be true that Oswald was not truly the killer of Kennedy, as many suspect, the Scapegoat would make sense. As does the Charles Manson story in this, the real story not the one Bugliosi and the rest of Hollywood used to cover up the drug deal gone wrong true Helter Skelter story which in reality didn’t involve him, but because he had some radical ideas with ATWA that people of the time didn’t seem to believe he was blamed and labeled as a psychotic cult leader…

Shane: thinking about what you said as far as the odds that a blacksheep could be used as the Scapegoat just because of their social status, is sad but true of most of what we are talking about it… unless you are a visitor to the margins, a person as I spoke of before, with privilege… a person with privilege can be who and what they want because their privilege offers them resources most in the margins don’t have. Yes you can be gay in a small town, but the poor gay is victimized, the rich one becomes the mayor. 

I suppose the culture vulture is what I’m always at odds with… they re-write the narrative and have the power to do so, they are a lie.

 the true outsider/black sheep is the truth. The Scapegoat a bit of both, as the Baphomet always should be.

Yeah Scapegoating is a thing, especially in court room drama. Scapegoating is for the religious minded to fall for and the skeptic to question… a more intelligent populace would understand Scapegoating as a dark form of marketing and call it what it is.

Manson - he was a person with ideas and as we’ve discussed many times, those wild fringe ideas that are against the status-quo are dangerous to that status-quo and are acted upon by those the ideas threaten.

Controlling the narrative is the only battle we really have has humans… until we have a smarter populace, the religious minded depend on quick and easy answers and there are always those who want to control the weak and stupid… why I’ll never know.

Claudia: Well, as known, history is always written by the winner, the real truths come out years later. It’s been over 70 years and Unit 731 (“Auschwitz of the East”) isn’t taught, nor is Operation Paperclip, the public at large knows little of these events. 

Humans are the apex predator, humans have no competition from any other species, so it is seemingly a natural creation of a new food chain. The religious leaders and those who control the weak and stupid are psychic vampires. If you want stupidity and that type of subjugation to be ridden, getting rid of willful idiocy through making sure the bullshit is known would be a great start. How that would be done however is an open discussion though. It’s like Bill Maher said in the film Religulous, “Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking.”

The word Satanist was for centuries used as a slur to justify the attack upon the other, the scapegoat. The baphomet would certainly be a wonderful representation of this concept of the skeptic and those who dare to live outside the superficial norms and conventions. You yourself would know much of that, being run out of towns for the simple word and association. 

Shane: OooOOOoo … I don’t believe history is written by the victor. I think the victor has reasons to lie. Truth is held in art and poetry… the people's history is also held within all of the art in the world. Someday art from the palestinians will be dug out from the rubble of “war” and we will see truth, not what the “victor” told the religious minded in the moment, but the feelings of a person brave and generous enough to share the worst moments of their lives… after reading howard zinn's a people's history, it is clear, assholes sell history like assholes sell religion.

Claudia: Interesting. I definitely agree that art and poetry are where the truth is at. I would say that history is sold by assholes, but regardless like with Unit 731 eventually someone digs up the bodies and it gets out to the public. The victors write what they want it to be but it will always be revised when it’s apparent that one narrative no longer makes sense or is evidently falsified. 

Shane: Truths are found out, but time has a way of removing the urgency of a historic moment. World War 2 was an abstract to me growing up… it was only of film and paper, it was a story… The lies told back then do leak out here and there, but what good does that truth do as far as justice? To be lied to by those you trust is an awful experience. Governments, politicians, they always present themselves as honest, they need you to trust them… they need you to believe… but lie to convince you to trust them… the Unit 731 you mention… who even cares anymore? Those who want to perfect war crimes as well as those who want to stop them, so that truth is just a resource today… among the politicians you can trust vs. those awful people from so long ago… totally being sarcastic about trusting politicians. 

Ever wonder about the knowledge that doesn’t leak out? That is so dangerous it’s protected… for me, I want to live forever so I can see the ending of stories told vs. facts that unfold. I dig that you can see both the positive and the negative in a situation, but I’m pissed about lies told that I will not live to see their truths unfold.

Claudia: I use Unit 731 as an example of how while the truth eventually comes out (though technically speaking, the USSR actually told the public first but the US politicians wrote it off as communist propaganda) it’s written by the winners, it coincides with your point of  trusting politicians as this was the beginning of the McCarthy era… also it’s a really interesting thing to look into. 

You ask who even cares anymore? And to that I say, life is lived forward and understood backwards. History, the present and possible future, being human ideas are no different. 

I definitely understand and relate to wanting to see the end of it all and what actually happened in the past and the unveiling of the lies. Now I do agree that any and all information available should be publicly available and easily accessible, but of course the only way to keep the power they have it’s hidden. It’s why someone like Julian Assange is such an important person in the scheme of modern events. 

On that note, I will say that I understand the view that certain things may be better to keep harder to find out how to do; like the instructions on how to make diseases and such. One person I heard speak of this made the point that the school shooter with this knowledge would become angels of death in the form of bacteria releases. 

However while that point makes sense, I would like to see information readily available regardless. An interesting point explored in the Purge series, is that most average people don’t want to kill one another, so the government who instituted the annual night of legalized murder in order to take out the “undesirable” in the country (homeless, low income, etc.)

Shane: Written off as “communist propaganda” - so, we get the the heart of the matter… the information, all of it IS out there… occult knowledge is only occult until you find it… so, maybe it’s not the free flow of information but it’s the concept of truth… what is truth, how do we decide a truth and… WHO or WHAT is our source, do we have a bias to that source?

So Claudia, how is the control of information or narrative relative to the “Individual, lone wolf, outsider and the collective”?

Perhaps the blacksheep/scapegoat are essential tools of the propagandist in their effort to control a narrative/truth… if they can't gain trust, build enough distrust in your opponent where the choice is a lesser of two “evils” kind of choice. A manipulation of truth.

Hiding information because of what could happen is weird. I’m against the death penalty for the reason that I cant see how to give the trust to the executioner or the government who decides if it’s ok to kill a person. 

So, who decides what is hidden and why it’s hidden.

I’m certain there is information that shouldn’t make it easy for angry folks to use in ways it shouldn’t but again, an inventor's intent doesn’t matter if the invention works for my intent… just like the Julian Assange issue, who decides? Why is he NOT treated as a journalist? He shared information of importance to a nation and its taxpayers… was the information dangerous? Yes. it caused a reaction from many that was hostile. Can any information be argued to be dangerous, yep. So… if we are going to hide information, ALL should have access to earning access to heavy information… as, let’s say, a Nuclear Scientist does… but ALL DO NOT have access… it takes money & health, nothing poor folks have… so we haven’t access to ALL the knowledge we’d want to study.

We are kept ignorant for a reason. I agree, dangerous information should be guarded… but everyone who is interested should be able to earn access, at the least through education.

Protecting information from the school shooter just because of what could happen is absolutely silly as school shooters DO have access to destructive information, we ALL have that access on-line. I believe Cyanide can be produced by a school shooter… Why aren’t they?

Because school Shooting is an impulsive act, like suicide. It’s not well thought out even when it seems it might be… there’s a psychology behind using a gun vs. using a knive vs. hand to hand ect… now, governments have access to dangerous information and could use that information of a government they are fighting, like smallpox laced blankets… why was it okay to trust that information with those who used it to hurt the native americans?

The control of information is a power move to control the masses. If we knew better, most of our society would operate so very differently.

I’ve never seen the Purge series. 

Claudia: I think that the individual, black sheep and lone wolves are related to the control of information because the independence of the black sheep makes for the black sheep to be willing to seek out that occult knowledge whereas the rest will not. The lone wolves can take the information as well and use it for their own devices, as one has seen with history, lone wolves can be powerful. Billy The Kid, Teddy Roosevelt, Arthur Desmond. 

The collective may welcome to accept this information, but only so far as they are comfortable with hearing it out. For example if it doesn’t skew to the political leanings of the people checking it out they might flat out reject it, same for if it distorts and pulls the string of a long since inserted false narrative. 

Ayn Rand said that the individual is the smallest minority in the world, and she is right, the black sheep and lone wolves are like sub-sects of the individual. The artists that depict things so the collective and their “art critics” can consume the information in an alternative way.

“We all know that Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize truth at least the truth that is given us to understand. The artist must know the manner whereby to convince others of the truthfulness of his lies.”

― Pablo Picasso

Julian Assange is in my opinion definitely a journalist, but that’s what makes him dangerous to the government! He actually is a journalist who didn’t tell people only one side in a way designed to keep them subject to control, which makes him a loose cannon for the government, he very much blew a hole in their information game. “Don’t wanna be an American Idiot, one nation controlled by the media”. 

And of course people have a right to information about how to make nuclear devices if interested, but it’s a power game. Consider that the argument about sharing information about building a nuclear weapon was ongoing even before the detonation of the Trinity test, there were many at Los Alamos and within that sphere who argued for the sharing of that information. But the government wouldn’t allow such correspondence with the Soviet Union because of the communist boogeyman they knew they would need once the threat of the Nazis was gone, fear controls. 

End of Interaction.